Website Developed by
The Digital Diva
Stories & Such

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Senior Humor:     (Thanks, MK)
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to
be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked
 'NO REFILLS'."
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he
was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why"
I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
 weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of  Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf
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A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life?" " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to
an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a
well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four
to go.
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Amazing new and revolutionary technology!   (thanks, DB!)

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be  connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how
it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together
with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs  with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick
of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may  be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on without damage.

However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has  been closed.

BOOK marks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be
used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.

The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of  a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that  thousands of content  creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking.
 
Look for a flood of new titles soon.
 
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Confused by medical insurance? A friend sent me this Q & A that will not clear up any confusion, but at least it may give you a healthy laugh. ( Thanks, Dusty!)

           MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED     
(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic
 medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in
giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll need it!)
 
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 Comments made in the year 1955:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going  to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
 
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
 
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack  is ridiculous."
 
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to  mail a letter?"
 
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside  help at the store."
 
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
 
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to  stay groomed. Next  thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
 
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let  Clark Gable
get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems  every new  movie
has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
 
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks  it's possible to put a  man on the
moon by the end of the century   They even have some fellows they call astronauts
preparing for it down in Texas "
 
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000  a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be  making more than the president."
 
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are
even making electric typewriters  now."
 
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women  are
having to work to make ends meet."
 
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone  to watch
their kids so they can both work."
 
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
 
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
 
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
 
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously  doubt they
will ever catch on."
 
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly
$15 a night to stay in a hotel."
 
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a  day in the hospital is too rich for
 my blood."
 
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut,  forget it."
 
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Talk To A REAL PERSON!! 

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The above link is a cheat sheet that identifies the quickest way to reach a human on phone systems for about 100 companies.  Enjoy! 

HOW THE BIRTH ORDER OF YOUR CHILDREN CHANGES THE WAY THINGS ARE DONE:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them
neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the
smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where
 you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
 
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16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
      by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to
share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the
Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
 
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After every flight. Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).

By the way, Quantas is the only ma
jo
r airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: 1FF inoperative.
M: 1FF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget

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Just For Radio People:

You still refer to CDs as "records."

Radio stations were no place for kids.

You even REMEMBER "Name That Tune."

Sales guys wore Old Spice to cover the smell of liquor.

Sixty percent of your wardrobe has a station logo on it.

You answer your home phone with the station call letters.

Your family thought you were successful, but you knew better.

You used to smoke in the control room and nobody cared.

You played practical jokes on the air without fear of lawsuits.

You've been married at least 3 times, or, never married at all.

Agents were people like James Bond and the Man From Uncle.

You were playing Elvis' number one hits when he was still alive.

You remember when people actually thought radio was important.

People who ride in your car exclaim, "Why is your radio so loud?"

You knew exactly where to put the tone on the end of a carted song.

You're at least 10 years older than the last two GM's who fired you.

You know people who actually listened to baseball games on the radio.

Somebody would say, "You have a face for radio", and it was still funny.

You only did "make-goods" if the client complained. Otherwise, who cared?

You worked for only ONE station, and you could name the guy who owned it.

You knew at least 3 people in sales that took credit for you keeping your
job.

You've always told your listeners "Yeah! I'll get that one for you right
away."

You were first hired by a GM who actually worked in radio before becoming
GM.

Engineers could actually fix things without sending them back to the
manufacturer.

You know the difference between good reel-to-reel tape and cheap
reel-to-reel tape.

You remember when normal people listened to AM radio, and only "hippies" to
FM.

Radio stations used to have enough on-air talent to field a softball team
every summer.

You had listeners who only tuned in for the news, and not you. You could
never figure that out.

You still have dreams of a song running out and not being able to find the
control room door.

You enjoyed turning the radio up at the sound of "dead air" on the
competitor's station.

You could post a record, run down the hall, go to the bathroom, and be back
in 2:50 for the segue.

You still have a couple of old transistor radios around the house with
corroded batteries inside them.

You wish you could have been on "Name That Tune" because you would have won
a million bucks.

You've run a phone contest and nobody called, so you made up a name and gave
the tickets to your cousin.

You always had a small screwdriver in the studio so you could take a
fouled-up cart apart at a moment's notice.

You have a white wax pencil, a razor blade, and a spool of 3M splicing tape
in your desk drawer --- just in case.

You can remember the name of the very first "girl" that was hired in your market as a DJ.

You were a half an hour late for an appearance and blamed it on the directions you received from the sales person.

You knew how to change the ribbon on the teletype machine, but you hated to do it because - "...that's the news guy's job."

You used to fight with the news guy over airtime. After all, what was more important: your joke about your ex-wife, or that tornado warning?

The new guy you're training has never listened to an AM station. He couldn't even name one in his own home town if his life depended on it.

You spent most of the time on Friday nights giving out the high school football scores. And
when they weren't phoned-in, you got upset.

You have at least 19 pictures of you with famous people whom you haven't seen since,

and who wouldn't know you today.

Religious radio stations were locally owned, run by an old Protestant minister and his wife, never had more than 20 listeners at any given time, and still made money.

You have several old air-check cassettes in a cardboard box in your closet that you wouldn't dream of letting anyone hear anymore, but, you'll never throw them out or tape over them. Never!

You would spend hours splicing and editing a parody tape until it was "just right", but
didn't give a damn how bad that commercial was you recorded. Hey!, I can only work
with what they give me, right?

Thanks, Dusty!
 
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The Family Tree of Vincent van Gogh

His dizzy aunt --------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes --------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------- U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white ----- Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ----------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ----------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ----------------------------- A-mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ----- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle -------------------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom-dancing aunt ------------------ ---- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle --------------------------- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------------- E Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------ Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------- Way to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ----------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there ya Gogh

 
The Microsoft Prayer

Our father, who art in Redmond
Windows be thy name
Thy OS come, your registry be done
on earth, as it is in Redmond.
Give us this day our daily BSOD
And forgive us our piracies,
as we forgive the pirates.
Leave us not with only Internet Explorer,
but deliver us from worms, viruses & trojans.
For thine is the computer, the OS and MS Office
Forever and ever.
Amen
 

Grammar Rules

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this
error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying "Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly over and over again

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't always necessary and shouldn't be used to excess so don’t.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous
and can be excessive

14. All generalizations are bad.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake (Unless they are as good as gold).

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Don’t overuse exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed and use it correctly with words’ that show possession.

27. Don’t use too many quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations..
Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a billion times: Resist hyperbole; not one
writer in a million can use it correctly. Besides, hyperbole is always overdone, anyway.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions? However, what if there were no rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic
matters

35. People don’t spell "a lot" correctly alot of the time.

36. Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly

37. All grammar and spelling rules have exceptions (with a few exceptions)....
Morgan’s Law.

38. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

39. The dash – a sometimes useful punctuation mark – can often be overused –
even though it’s a helpful tool some of the time.

40. Proofread carefully to make sure you don’t repeat repeat any words.

41. In writing, it’s important to remember that dangling sentences.

41. When numbering in a written document, check your numbering system carefully.

42. It is important to use italics for emphasis sparingly.

43. In good writing, for good reasons, under normal circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited numbers and with great caution.

44. Avoid going out on tangents unrelated to your subject -- not the subject of a
sentence -- that's another story (like the stories written by Ernest Hemingway,
who by the way wrote the great fisherman story The Old Man and the Sea).

45. Complete sentences. Like rule 10.

46. Unless you're a righteous expert don't try to be too cool with slang to which you're not hip.

47. If you must use slang, avoid out-of-date slang. Right on!

48. You'll look poorly if you misuse adverbs.

49. Use the ellipsis ( . . . ) to indicate missing . . .

50. Use brackets to indicate that you [ not Shakespeare, for example ] are giving
people [ in your class ] information so that they [ the people in your class ] know
about whom you are speaking. But do not use brackets when making these
references [ to other authors ] excessively.

51. Note: People just can't stomach too much use of the colon.

52. Between good grammar and bad grammar, good grammar is the best.

53. There are so many great grammar rules that I can't decide between them.

54. In English, unlike German, the verb early in the sentence, not later, should be placed.

55. When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.


A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee... Believe me, you will never
look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and
how things were so hard for her. She said she did not know how she
was going to make it, and felt like she just wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and
struggling... It seemed that when one problem was solved, a new one arose.
 
Her mother calmly took her into the kitchen. She filled three pots with water, and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.
 
In the first pot, her mother placed carrots; in the second she placed eggs; and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
 
In about 20 minutes, she turned off the burners. She then fished the carrots out and placed
them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them into a bowl. Then she ladled the
coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
 
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
 
Her mother brought her over closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.
 
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
 
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
 
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee... The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"
 
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the exact same adversity ... boiling
water. And each reacted differently.
 
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling
water, it softened and became weak, more pliable.
 
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid-like interior, but after
sitting in the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
 
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
 
"Which are you?” she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"
 
Think of this: 'Which am I?'
 
Am I the carrot that seems strong... but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft
and lose my strength?
 
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid
spirit... but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become
hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same... but on the inside am I bitter and tough,
with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water... the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

If you ARE like the bean... when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
 
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest... do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
 
Count your blessings, not your problems......

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Johnny Calls Sandy and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer
jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."


Sandy asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?


Johnny says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."


Sandy decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He lets her in and shows her
where he has the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a
moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says, "First of all, no matter
what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."


Then she says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then
" She sighed, ". . . . Let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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People over 35 should be dead. Here's why:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's,
or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
 
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
 
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
 
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
 
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
 
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to
find out we forgot the brakes.
 
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
 
No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! U n t h i n k a b l e !
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on
cable, video tape movies, DVD's, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or
Internet chat rooms.
 
We had friends!
 
We went outside and found them.
 
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
 
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from
these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
 
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
 
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
 
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
 
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment!
 
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat
the same grade. Horrors!
 
Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.
 
Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
 
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Congratulations...so far...so good!

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Be lucky you don't work for Dell Tech Support
 

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen
nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:


1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the
dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40
minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had
cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then
removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen
to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.
" The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work.
She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said
to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in. "The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp: CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is.
How may I help you?" CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" CALLER: "It came with my
computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the
Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped
it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same  time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard,
Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER:
"I'm not going to do that!"

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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. (interesting, huh?)
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25 Signs you've grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the
stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle,
your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm! never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire lis


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